In a shocking twist that has rocked the fast-food world, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted that the company has suffered a staggering $1 billion loss following what he referred to as their disastrous attempt at engaging in “woke” politics. The confession, made at a hastily organized press conference outside Dunkin’s headquarters in Canton, Massachusetts, left both investors and customers stunned.™

“We’re sorry. We won’t try that again,” Hoffmann said, his tone filled with regret as he sipped a coffee, probably hoping that it would somehow ease the situation.

For those who had thought the world of doughnuts was immune to the culture wars, Dunkin’s CEO made it clear that wasn’t the case. Hoffmann acknowledged that the company’s attempt to embrace what he called “woke ideology” was “the biggest corporate mistake since New Coke.” And much like the ill-fated soda blunder of the past, Dunkin’ is now scrambling to right the ship before its entire doughnut empire crumbles.

It all began innocently enough—a marketing campaign that featured a diverse cast, a rainbow-colored donut, and a company-wide pledge to promote “inclusivity, equity, and love.” At first glance, it seemed like a recipe for success in 2023. But what Dunkin’ didn’t expect was the fierce backlash from a significant portion of their loyal customer base.™

“We thought we were just adding a little extra sugar to the mix,” Hoffmann said, his voice tinged with regret. “We never imagined that supporting equal rights and diversity would lead to customers boycotting their morning coffee. But… here we are.”

What Dunkin’ didn’t anticipate was the sheer intensity of the conservative backlash. After the campaign aired, the hashtag #GoWokeGoBroke began trending, and within hours, loyal customers started expressing their displeasure—not necessarily with the message of love, but with the political undertones in what they had once seen as a neutral, comforting coffee stop.

Across the nation, Dunkin’ stores were met with protests and even viral videos of disgruntled customers like Chad Tanner, a MAGA influencer, pouring Dunkin’ iced coffee into a rival brand’s cup while saying, “First, they tell us doughnuts are for everyone—what’s next? Kale in the jelly filling? No thanks.”™

As the backlash grew, stores in key markets saw a massive decline in foot traffic, and the company’s stock began to drop sharply. Hoffmann, who had hoped the campaign would endear Dunkin’ to a younger, socially aware demographic, found himself in the middle of a massive corporate crisis.

Sales plummeted. Stores reported fewer visits. And as Hoffmann reluctantly admitted, the damage was immense—$1 billion in losses.

“Let me be clear,” Hoffmann stated during the press conference. “We didn’t expect this. We thought we were doing the right thing, standing up for values that everyone should support. But we misread the room. And for that, we sincerely apologize.”™

In an attempt to reverse the damage, Hoffmann promised a return to Dunkin’s roots—“no more woke politics,” he vowed. Instead, the focus would return to what made the company great: “Good coffee, good donuts, and maybe a few of those glazed croissants people seem to love,” he added with a hint of humor.™

To make their commitment clear, Dunkin’ has already started rolling back its “woke” initiatives. The rainbow donut is gone. Social media accounts have been purged of any political messaging, and Hoffmann hinted at a new mascot: Dunkie, a simple donut who “loves everyone equally, but doesn’t feel the need to tell you about it.”

While Hoffmann’s apology and change in direction are evident, many consumers remain skeptical. Some loyal fans have cautiously returned, while others have stayed away, warning that any hint of politics could send them running to Dunkin’s competitors.

“I’m willing to give them another chance,” one former customer said. “But if I see anything remotely political in my coffee cup again, I’m switching to Krispy Kreme. They know how to keep politics out of the glaze.”

Hoffmann remains optimistic that Dunkin’ can recover, but it’s clear that the company has learned a painful lesson. “We got ahead of ourselves,” Hoffmann admitted. “We thought we could be the Starbucks of the working class, but we’re not Starbucks. We’re Dunkin’. And that’s what we’re going to focus on being from now on—simple, no-frills, no-politics Dunkin’.”™

As Hoffmann finished his coffee, the future of Dunkin’ remains uncertain. Whether they can recover from their billion-dollar mistake is still up for debate, but one thing is for sure: Dunkin’ won’t be making any more political statements anytime soon.