Elon Musk Announced Acquire ABC $950 Million to Remove ‘Wokeness,’ Will Immediately Fire Debate Moderators – SATIRE
In an announcement that left tech enthusiasts and media moguls equally bewildered, Elon Musk has declared his intention to purchase ABC for a staggering $950 million. The purpose? To “eradicate wokeness” from the airwaves and, as Musk put it, “restore common sense and robot humor to mainstream media.”
Speaking from a Tesla factory while surrounded by cybertrucks and a flamethrower, Musk revealed his plan in a series of cryptic yet oddly enthusiastic tweets. “ABC has potential,” he wrote, “but we need less woke debates and more meme energy. Debate moderators? Fired. Twitter polls will now decide everything.”
Sources close to the billionaire say Musk has been privately critical of what he calls “overly serious” moderators who “ruin the fun” of televised debates. Instead, he envisions using AI-powered hosts that will generate random questions from Reddit threads, ensuring what he describes as a “pure chaos but democratic vibe.”
While critics have pointed out that $950 million might be better spent on, say, ending world hunger or fixing the water crisis, Musk was quick to retort on X (formerly Twitter), “If you wanted me to spend on that, you should’ve memed it better. Democracy is dank memes.”
The proposed purchase has already sparked panic among debate moderators across the industry. One anonymous moderator reportedly stated, “We’re terrified. Last week, he tweeted a picture of an empty chair with the caption ‘better moderator than most.’ He’s coming for us all.”
ABC employees have expressed mixed feelings about Musk’s takeover. Some fear a sudden change in company culture, while others are reportedly thrilled by the prospect of attending board meetings hosted on Mars.
As always, Musk fans are all in, with hashtags like #ABCRevolution, #MuskUnwokeABC, and #ModeratorsAreOverParty trending globally. Rumors also suggest Musk might rename the network to “Space News,” though no confirmation has been made.
For now, the world waits, wondering what Musk’s vision of an “unwoke” network will look like. Will he succeed in replacing journalism with memes? Will debate moderators be outdone by AI bots quoting Wikipedia? Only one thing is certain: things are about to get… interesting.
(Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and not based on real events. Elon Musk has not announced plans to acquire ABC. At least, not yet.)
