BREAKING NEWS: Whoopi Goldberg, Megan Rapinoe, and Taylor Swift decide to leave the United States.
In an earth-shattering revelation that will no doubt leave the entire nation clutching their pearls, Whoopi Goldberg, Megan Rapinoe, and Taylor Swift have declared their intention to pack their bags and bid farewell to the United States. Yes, you heard it right—the land of the free and the home of the brave is apparently no longer good enough for this trio of national treasures.
According to unnamed sources (because who needs credible ones in breaking news?), the three have formed a secret alliance, code-named “Operation Adios.” Rumor has it that the trio plans to relocate to a utopian paradise where all their wildest dreams can come true—a place with zero political disagreements, universal adoration, and no one daring to critique their latest project or public statement.
Whoopi Goldberg, who has been a co-host on The View for what feels like centuries, allegedly stated, “I just can’t with these people anymore. It’s time for a change, darling!” Megan Rapinoe, fresh off her retirement from soccer, chimed in, “I’ll bring my trophies. They’ll love me anywhere.” Meanwhile, Taylor Swift, the pop icon with an army of fans ready to defend her honor at the drop of a hat, reportedly whispered, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem—it’s the U.S.”
Social media, as expected, is ablaze. Some are offering to help pack their suitcases, while others are mourning the loss of what they dub “true American icons.” A petition has even surfaced to rename the Statue of Liberty after them—because apparently, the ultimate form of patriotism is leaving the country entirely.
Details on their chosen destination remain under wraps, but insiders speculate it’s somewhere with excellent Wi-Fi (because how else will they continue their crusades on Instagram?). Stay tuned for further updates as the nation collectively gasps, shrugs, or cheers at this groundbreaking announcement.
Godspeed, ladies. Don’t forget to write!
